Applejack
10-02-2009, 11:35 PM
I have an unusually high threshold for bad video games. I played through Sonic the Hedgehog 2006, for fucks sake. Usually when it comes to bad games, I can get some kind of entertainment value from it thanks to how bad it is. It never really gets to the point where I am in physical pain with how bad it is.
And then I played 7 Sins.
You've probably never heard of it. It was made in France or something. Basically someone saw how popular The Sims was and went "Hey we should make a life simulation game too, only not make it a life simulation at all!"
If there is anything men like, it's money and women and I guess fame. Well that's exactly what the main character in 7 Sins is all about. He doesn't have a name so I will call him Jack Cockbag because he's a huge cockbag. Jack wants to be rich and wealthy and also fuck a lot of women. Except that he has no talent or anything. So how does he get money, you ask?
Well he has a job at SUKS department store, where a bunch of rich women shop 24 hours a day. He somehow seduces these women, makes them buy $100 bottles of perfume, and then fucks them in the fitting room. After the fucking, he begs them for cash and these horny rich housewives are so devoid of sex that they hand over all their cash. Jack can also fuck the salesgirl and all she does tell the asshole pervert manager to stop being a dick to Jack, though the manager doesn't listen and just tells the salesgirl to blow him under his desk.
That's the first level. You walk around a store, find a woman and then drag her around to different departments. Then begins a really stupid method of finding out what 'stimulates' them in a conversation. There are several different options, like busting out a joke or being flirty or pretending to call up an actor and be like 'Sup?'. Every woman is different, except not really since they will basically respond to anything and if you pick something they hate nothing happens. At all. Ever. The thing that sucks with the conversation system is that your options are different depending on where they take place. Say you are talking to the black Swedish girl and she likes jokes and you are talking to her in the shoe section. No joke options. So you have to drag her to the clothing section to make a joke so that her happiness meter goes up a fraction. It's tedious to the point of...tedium. It's boring as fuck and it brings nothing to the 'gameplay'.
Let's talk about gameplay.
7 Sins, as evidenced by its name, uses the seven deadly sins in the game. But in really shitty ways. You have seven pitchfork icons above your three mood meters and these icons fill up whenever you do something that is a deadly sin. The problem with this is that pretty much EVERYTHING YOU DO will somehow fill an icon. Oh look, you went to bed, have some SLOTH MOTHERFUCKER. When used in conjunction with your three mood meters (Sex, Stress, Violence), it just becomes a clusterfuck of bad design. When you're trying to pick up a woman, chances are just by talking to her Jack will either be turned on (thus raising the Sex Meter), annoyed (thus raising the Angry Meter) or freaked out (thus raising the Stress Meter). Often all three will happen. And the increments of these are fucking RANDOM so you could be talking to a woman and have ZERO in your sex meter and by asking her ONE THING, the meter can fill to 100%. What happens when you fill it to 100%? Well, if it's the stress meter, Jack will scream about pressure and run to the exit. If it's the anger meter, Jack will beat up on someone and run to the exit. If it's the sex meter, Jack will rape the nearest woman he sees and run to the exit.
Yes, if your 'I'm Horny and Have a Boner' meter fills, the main character literally rapes the nearest thing with tits. All this meter shit does is make you have to re-enter the area. Any progress you made with a girl will decrease, but it's so easy to raise it that it's inconsequential. With the way the game is designed (poorly) you can literally raise a girl's mood toward you by finding out what she likes, selecting that option, talking to a different girl then going back to the first girl and selecting the same options again. The only time this won't work is if you are groping a girl you have gotten to the 'Love' or 'Sex' or 'Passion' meter. Yes, you can go around groping everyone. Everyone. The only purpose this serves is lowering your Sex Meter, but again, there's really no need since the drop you get from groping or grabbing some tits is random and you're better off letting it fill.
And you can remove those pitchfork icons by doing a good deed like 'Listening to a woman's sex life without getting aroused' or 'washing dishes' or 'doing your job at the place where you work'. But doing these good deeds will make one of (or all thre eof) your meters rise. You actually get angry for doing your job. At the place where you work. So yeah, you remove your tokens, but you just fill your other game over meter in the process. And how do you empty those? By doing something that adds a pitchfork icon. It's an endless cycle of broken game design.
But here's the kicker. Pretty much any action that isn't talking to a person requires you to play a mini game. Say you want to go to sleep to lower all three of your meters. Well tough shit, you have to play a mini game and then WIN IT to lower anything. And it's always the same minigame. You have to make sheep jump over a buzzsaw otherwise they get chopped up into a mess of blood and wool. Alright, say you want to steal some money from a coat or a cash register. Well you have to play a button entry mini game. Say you want to eat some food. Well okay, but be prepared to play a vomiting mini game. Oh you have to piss to release some stress. Well you have to play a piss shooting mini game. But the worst mini game is the sex mini game. You have to move an icon around a blurry field and find 'the G-spot' which will unblur part of the image of the fucking going on. The problem with this is that you are never given enough time to meet the goal unless you get really lucky with where the G-spot is located. The icon moves REALLY SLOWLY and you are only given about 3 points for everything you unblur. You need 50 points. And later 75.
You may be thinking 'Well no shit the sex mini game is hard, clearly they don't want you seeing those video game tits.' Well considering that no one is ever naked that's not a big deal. And anyone that wants to see these characters naked is probably fucked in the head anyway. Every female is just some mass of polygons with large tits and way huge asses. The tits are so large they clip through you. It's gross. But there's more to the game than fucking, though not really.
Each chapter you are given a goal. In the first chapter, for instance, you are supposed to make $5,000. The most expensive item you can sell is $100. There are 4 women (one of whom is a dude and yes, you can fuck that transexual) and they get bored of you after you sell them one of everything in the store. So that's, like, $150 (two items) from each woman. That is not $5,000. Oh yeah, and for no reason at all, the boss will randomly take away half your money. It's only when you get 100 points (totally different than the money system) that the level is finished and you can go to the next chapter. Even though it says 'Hey you need to get 5,000 to advance'. And the second level has Jack Cockbag the star of a reality show in which he seduces celebrities and brings them back to his house to fuck them on camera. Only the celebs don't know about the camera. I'm almost certain this is illegal.
Anyway, the mission data says you have to fuck either a Russian model or the daughter of some politician. Well the politician's daughter is a stuck up cow so Jack Cockbag decides to fuck the Russian. Who, incidentally enough, is the lesbian lover of some lesbian actress who is way into Buddha. But before all that, Jack fucks some loose slut he met in the club. So after getting the Russian broad to have sex with you, the game says 'Okay, now you have to fuck the lesbian'. No. You don't. Once you get 100 points in a level, you can advance. So why don't they just fucking SAY that. The ONLY thing you get for pursuing every female to the max level are some photos in the gallery. No, not uncensored you perverted fucks. There's no reason to stick around once you meet the quota.
While you are playing, the characters speak in what sounds like Simlish. But during pre-chapter cutscenes it's all voiced. Poorly. But it's voiced. But I guess the actor and actresses drew the line at having to say a line like 'actually i faked it...unlike you looser !' Yes, that is an actual line taken from the game. The game has horrible grammar and spelling. Often they will not capitalize 'i' and several times sentences are broken and the grammar is nowhere to be found.
The game feels like something you'd find on a Wii shovelware mini game collection. No, scratch that, a Wii shovelware mini game collection is more fun. This game is not fun. This game has no redeeming qualities. None. The various systems in the game don't work or are broken to the point of retardation. The game is exactly the same for all seven chapters. You have a problem, and the only way to solve it is to fuck women or make money. Jack Cockbag might be the most asshole main character ever.
But you want to know the worst thing about the game? Eating food at your own goddamn house costs money. Food you already own costs money, the cheapest being a $50 salad, to eat. What the fuck.
Fuck this game. It is literally the worst game I've ever played. Ever.
And then I played 7 Sins.
You've probably never heard of it. It was made in France or something. Basically someone saw how popular The Sims was and went "Hey we should make a life simulation game too, only not make it a life simulation at all!"
If there is anything men like, it's money and women and I guess fame. Well that's exactly what the main character in 7 Sins is all about. He doesn't have a name so I will call him Jack Cockbag because he's a huge cockbag. Jack wants to be rich and wealthy and also fuck a lot of women. Except that he has no talent or anything. So how does he get money, you ask?
Well he has a job at SUKS department store, where a bunch of rich women shop 24 hours a day. He somehow seduces these women, makes them buy $100 bottles of perfume, and then fucks them in the fitting room. After the fucking, he begs them for cash and these horny rich housewives are so devoid of sex that they hand over all their cash. Jack can also fuck the salesgirl and all she does tell the asshole pervert manager to stop being a dick to Jack, though the manager doesn't listen and just tells the salesgirl to blow him under his desk.
That's the first level. You walk around a store, find a woman and then drag her around to different departments. Then begins a really stupid method of finding out what 'stimulates' them in a conversation. There are several different options, like busting out a joke or being flirty or pretending to call up an actor and be like 'Sup?'. Every woman is different, except not really since they will basically respond to anything and if you pick something they hate nothing happens. At all. Ever. The thing that sucks with the conversation system is that your options are different depending on where they take place. Say you are talking to the black Swedish girl and she likes jokes and you are talking to her in the shoe section. No joke options. So you have to drag her to the clothing section to make a joke so that her happiness meter goes up a fraction. It's tedious to the point of...tedium. It's boring as fuck and it brings nothing to the 'gameplay'.
Let's talk about gameplay.
7 Sins, as evidenced by its name, uses the seven deadly sins in the game. But in really shitty ways. You have seven pitchfork icons above your three mood meters and these icons fill up whenever you do something that is a deadly sin. The problem with this is that pretty much EVERYTHING YOU DO will somehow fill an icon. Oh look, you went to bed, have some SLOTH MOTHERFUCKER. When used in conjunction with your three mood meters (Sex, Stress, Violence), it just becomes a clusterfuck of bad design. When you're trying to pick up a woman, chances are just by talking to her Jack will either be turned on (thus raising the Sex Meter), annoyed (thus raising the Angry Meter) or freaked out (thus raising the Stress Meter). Often all three will happen. And the increments of these are fucking RANDOM so you could be talking to a woman and have ZERO in your sex meter and by asking her ONE THING, the meter can fill to 100%. What happens when you fill it to 100%? Well, if it's the stress meter, Jack will scream about pressure and run to the exit. If it's the anger meter, Jack will beat up on someone and run to the exit. If it's the sex meter, Jack will rape the nearest woman he sees and run to the exit.
Yes, if your 'I'm Horny and Have a Boner' meter fills, the main character literally rapes the nearest thing with tits. All this meter shit does is make you have to re-enter the area. Any progress you made with a girl will decrease, but it's so easy to raise it that it's inconsequential. With the way the game is designed (poorly) you can literally raise a girl's mood toward you by finding out what she likes, selecting that option, talking to a different girl then going back to the first girl and selecting the same options again. The only time this won't work is if you are groping a girl you have gotten to the 'Love' or 'Sex' or 'Passion' meter. Yes, you can go around groping everyone. Everyone. The only purpose this serves is lowering your Sex Meter, but again, there's really no need since the drop you get from groping or grabbing some tits is random and you're better off letting it fill.
And you can remove those pitchfork icons by doing a good deed like 'Listening to a woman's sex life without getting aroused' or 'washing dishes' or 'doing your job at the place where you work'. But doing these good deeds will make one of (or all thre eof) your meters rise. You actually get angry for doing your job. At the place where you work. So yeah, you remove your tokens, but you just fill your other game over meter in the process. And how do you empty those? By doing something that adds a pitchfork icon. It's an endless cycle of broken game design.
But here's the kicker. Pretty much any action that isn't talking to a person requires you to play a mini game. Say you want to go to sleep to lower all three of your meters. Well tough shit, you have to play a mini game and then WIN IT to lower anything. And it's always the same minigame. You have to make sheep jump over a buzzsaw otherwise they get chopped up into a mess of blood and wool. Alright, say you want to steal some money from a coat or a cash register. Well you have to play a button entry mini game. Say you want to eat some food. Well okay, but be prepared to play a vomiting mini game. Oh you have to piss to release some stress. Well you have to play a piss shooting mini game. But the worst mini game is the sex mini game. You have to move an icon around a blurry field and find 'the G-spot' which will unblur part of the image of the fucking going on. The problem with this is that you are never given enough time to meet the goal unless you get really lucky with where the G-spot is located. The icon moves REALLY SLOWLY and you are only given about 3 points for everything you unblur. You need 50 points. And later 75.
You may be thinking 'Well no shit the sex mini game is hard, clearly they don't want you seeing those video game tits.' Well considering that no one is ever naked that's not a big deal. And anyone that wants to see these characters naked is probably fucked in the head anyway. Every female is just some mass of polygons with large tits and way huge asses. The tits are so large they clip through you. It's gross. But there's more to the game than fucking, though not really.
Each chapter you are given a goal. In the first chapter, for instance, you are supposed to make $5,000. The most expensive item you can sell is $100. There are 4 women (one of whom is a dude and yes, you can fuck that transexual) and they get bored of you after you sell them one of everything in the store. So that's, like, $150 (two items) from each woman. That is not $5,000. Oh yeah, and for no reason at all, the boss will randomly take away half your money. It's only when you get 100 points (totally different than the money system) that the level is finished and you can go to the next chapter. Even though it says 'Hey you need to get 5,000 to advance'. And the second level has Jack Cockbag the star of a reality show in which he seduces celebrities and brings them back to his house to fuck them on camera. Only the celebs don't know about the camera. I'm almost certain this is illegal.
Anyway, the mission data says you have to fuck either a Russian model or the daughter of some politician. Well the politician's daughter is a stuck up cow so Jack Cockbag decides to fuck the Russian. Who, incidentally enough, is the lesbian lover of some lesbian actress who is way into Buddha. But before all that, Jack fucks some loose slut he met in the club. So after getting the Russian broad to have sex with you, the game says 'Okay, now you have to fuck the lesbian'. No. You don't. Once you get 100 points in a level, you can advance. So why don't they just fucking SAY that. The ONLY thing you get for pursuing every female to the max level are some photos in the gallery. No, not uncensored you perverted fucks. There's no reason to stick around once you meet the quota.
While you are playing, the characters speak in what sounds like Simlish. But during pre-chapter cutscenes it's all voiced. Poorly. But it's voiced. But I guess the actor and actresses drew the line at having to say a line like 'actually i faked it...unlike you looser !' Yes, that is an actual line taken from the game. The game has horrible grammar and spelling. Often they will not capitalize 'i' and several times sentences are broken and the grammar is nowhere to be found.
The game feels like something you'd find on a Wii shovelware mini game collection. No, scratch that, a Wii shovelware mini game collection is more fun. This game is not fun. This game has no redeeming qualities. None. The various systems in the game don't work or are broken to the point of retardation. The game is exactly the same for all seven chapters. You have a problem, and the only way to solve it is to fuck women or make money. Jack Cockbag might be the most asshole main character ever.
But you want to know the worst thing about the game? Eating food at your own goddamn house costs money. Food you already own costs money, the cheapest being a $50 salad, to eat. What the fuck.
Fuck this game. It is literally the worst game I've ever played. Ever.