Lancet Jades
01-09-2008, 03:45 AM
Hello, I'm John H. H. the 4th, but you can just call me Johnny. I'm hereby announcing my candidacy for President of the United States!
Now, before you ask what party I belong to, what my stance on the "issues" is, let me say that the answer is a big fat "who cares?" That's right, WHO THE FUCK CARES? I think something we've all learned by now is that politicians never actually do the things they promise. The hope of change that they buy your votes with never occurs! So I say to hell with it! I'm like a mystery bag: no way of knowing what'll happen till I'm in office! A novelty, maybe, but at least you can't say I'm not honest! After all, how can I break promises I didn't make? I can't very well "betray" ideals and beliefs I never once professed, after all, and it gives me a chance to theoretically offer something for everyone without the burden of actually flip-flopping to attract voters from all parts of the spectrum. Let's see some of those other candidates pull THAT off!
"But you're only 22!" you may argue. 35 is the legal minimum age for being the president, but in pre-emptive response, consider this: ALL politicians lie, cheat, steal, and break who knows how many other laws! Rather than focus on the fact that legally I cannot be president, focus on the fact that electing me will be doing to the politicians what they've been doing themselves all this time: ignoring the law! And the best part is that it's a victimless crime! Well, the victims are the other candidates who DO meet all requirements to be president, but let's be frank here: They're the reason you're voting for me!
Which brings me to another one of those so-called "talking points:" I'll be frank, up-front, and honest about my opinion on matters. Without party affiliation or any ties to existing political bodies, I've nothing to lose and everything to gain by doing so. I'll say it how it is in a down-to-earth and open manner. Swearing? FUCK YES! Didn't you hear me say fuck in the first part of my speech anyways? Fuck shit ass hell damn cunt bitch fuck tits!
And for all you young people who hate how out-of-touch the crusty old men of politics are, I'm one of you! For once, let the old men be the ones arguing they aren't adequately represented! Poetic justice at its finest, wouldn't you say?
As for my socio-economic views (or whatever other big words old people love using to sound smart), how about a big fat 'I JUST DON'T CARE!' Now, that's not to say I won't do anything in this area, but rather, it's just too big of a clusterfuck to bother going into in this speech. Besides, consider it part of the mystery box that is myself! Do you really want that new washer/dryer combo representing the same old politicians, or would you like the mystery box! It could be ANYTHING! Any combination of anything! It could be a box full of air, or a diamond ring. Maybe it's a Wii or PS3! MAYBE BOTH! Really though, it's just air, which, may I remind you, is essential to life on this planet, and therefore a much better deal than innovation or no games. The diamond ring wouldn't be bad though, and at least you can sell it and the game systems, unlike air.
But I can tell you all want to at least have a taste of what I have in store for y'all should you elect me to that there fancy desk! How about complete government reform? I'm taking gutting the entire thing, throwing its entrails out on the streets, and letting the vultures peck at it for a few days; after all, they need food too! It's anarchy, sure, but then we order new desks, chairs, and other furniture, round up some bums from the homeless shelters, and stick them in high paying government positions!
Yes, people of this great country, I just not only BSed my way to a solution to the problems of the broken government in this country, I also proposed an effective solution to the homeless problems we're facing! I really should get some sort of combo bonus for that. I propose a 10% vote modifier for myself in elections!
Back to the government thingy though. While my solution may seem radical, anarchistic, and downright idiotic, is it really worse than what we have now? It is pure potential, as opposed to the pure crap we have now! I mean, can you believe our current system would consider my campaign, and even my very candidacy not only unorthodox, but possibly criminal! I'd say whitey is trying to keep me down, but playing the race card isn't something I want to do, as a matter of personal pride. Plus, I myself am white as can be, so it'd be rather ineffective.
But I'm rambling now. I think I've said more than enough to seal my position as a solid contender, possibly as president, and probably just as well, as I talked myself into a corner there. Good night you wonderful people you, and make sure to be plenty votey that cold November morn! Though if it's too cold, maybe like go in the early afternoon, when temperatures are their highest usually. I dunno, ask the meteorologists. GOOD NIGHT!
*promptly walks into the door on his way out after failing to open it correctly*
Now, before you ask what party I belong to, what my stance on the "issues" is, let me say that the answer is a big fat "who cares?" That's right, WHO THE FUCK CARES? I think something we've all learned by now is that politicians never actually do the things they promise. The hope of change that they buy your votes with never occurs! So I say to hell with it! I'm like a mystery bag: no way of knowing what'll happen till I'm in office! A novelty, maybe, but at least you can't say I'm not honest! After all, how can I break promises I didn't make? I can't very well "betray" ideals and beliefs I never once professed, after all, and it gives me a chance to theoretically offer something for everyone without the burden of actually flip-flopping to attract voters from all parts of the spectrum. Let's see some of those other candidates pull THAT off!
"But you're only 22!" you may argue. 35 is the legal minimum age for being the president, but in pre-emptive response, consider this: ALL politicians lie, cheat, steal, and break who knows how many other laws! Rather than focus on the fact that legally I cannot be president, focus on the fact that electing me will be doing to the politicians what they've been doing themselves all this time: ignoring the law! And the best part is that it's a victimless crime! Well, the victims are the other candidates who DO meet all requirements to be president, but let's be frank here: They're the reason you're voting for me!
Which brings me to another one of those so-called "talking points:" I'll be frank, up-front, and honest about my opinion on matters. Without party affiliation or any ties to existing political bodies, I've nothing to lose and everything to gain by doing so. I'll say it how it is in a down-to-earth and open manner. Swearing? FUCK YES! Didn't you hear me say fuck in the first part of my speech anyways? Fuck shit ass hell damn cunt bitch fuck tits!
And for all you young people who hate how out-of-touch the crusty old men of politics are, I'm one of you! For once, let the old men be the ones arguing they aren't adequately represented! Poetic justice at its finest, wouldn't you say?
As for my socio-economic views (or whatever other big words old people love using to sound smart), how about a big fat 'I JUST DON'T CARE!' Now, that's not to say I won't do anything in this area, but rather, it's just too big of a clusterfuck to bother going into in this speech. Besides, consider it part of the mystery box that is myself! Do you really want that new washer/dryer combo representing the same old politicians, or would you like the mystery box! It could be ANYTHING! Any combination of anything! It could be a box full of air, or a diamond ring. Maybe it's a Wii or PS3! MAYBE BOTH! Really though, it's just air, which, may I remind you, is essential to life on this planet, and therefore a much better deal than innovation or no games. The diamond ring wouldn't be bad though, and at least you can sell it and the game systems, unlike air.
But I can tell you all want to at least have a taste of what I have in store for y'all should you elect me to that there fancy desk! How about complete government reform? I'm taking gutting the entire thing, throwing its entrails out on the streets, and letting the vultures peck at it for a few days; after all, they need food too! It's anarchy, sure, but then we order new desks, chairs, and other furniture, round up some bums from the homeless shelters, and stick them in high paying government positions!
Yes, people of this great country, I just not only BSed my way to a solution to the problems of the broken government in this country, I also proposed an effective solution to the homeless problems we're facing! I really should get some sort of combo bonus for that. I propose a 10% vote modifier for myself in elections!
Back to the government thingy though. While my solution may seem radical, anarchistic, and downright idiotic, is it really worse than what we have now? It is pure potential, as opposed to the pure crap we have now! I mean, can you believe our current system would consider my campaign, and even my very candidacy not only unorthodox, but possibly criminal! I'd say whitey is trying to keep me down, but playing the race card isn't something I want to do, as a matter of personal pride. Plus, I myself am white as can be, so it'd be rather ineffective.
But I'm rambling now. I think I've said more than enough to seal my position as a solid contender, possibly as president, and probably just as well, as I talked myself into a corner there. Good night you wonderful people you, and make sure to be plenty votey that cold November morn! Though if it's too cold, maybe like go in the early afternoon, when temperatures are their highest usually. I dunno, ask the meteorologists. GOOD NIGHT!
*promptly walks into the door on his way out after failing to open it correctly*